So, would you rather loose the ability to speak, or be fitted with a colostomy bag? It's not really a decision you'll have to make every day, but if you feel you're up to challenges like this, click here.

Apparently, several thousand copies of the new Harry Potter book have been stolen from their top secret, impenetrable location - the back of a trailer in a warehouse car park somewhere near Liverpool. Boo fucking hoo. I'm sure it's all a marketing ruse, seeing as it goes on sale on Saturday. In terms of actual losses, it's probably the equivalent of me dropping a spoon down the back of the fridge. Nonetheless, I hope Philip Pullman turns out to be the perpetrator.